Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
