I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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