I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
