What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
