there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
