Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
