GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
