No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
