Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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