I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
