last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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