I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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