Yo dont text me then not text me
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
