If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
