You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
only you would photoshop your dick
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
