omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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