New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I touched a dick in church today
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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