Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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