You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
