I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
