i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
