remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
