paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
FUCK WHALES
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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