Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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