Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
