I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
