I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
