Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
