It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
