That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
well most of my day revolves around power hour
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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