i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
