You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
