Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
