Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
