While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
