I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
