I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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