im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
