for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
