I want to stick my p in your. b.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
