So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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