So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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