omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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