youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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