people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
No subtext here. People are naked.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize