The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
