The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Found the puke drawer
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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