nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
