Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
