i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
