he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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