Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i already hear my dad disowning me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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