Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
