I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
