i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
