Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
