i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
